Trust The Process

I'm in my room in the dorm. Alone, with my laptop on and instrumental music in the background.

Here the blank space.

The white that sometimes I’m passionate the most but the other times it’s also the thing that I’m afraid the most as well.

“Don’t let the fear in”

And all those encouraging words that come to help me. But it won’t happen until I, myself--willing to do it, right?

The other problem is, there is a black hole that every sinner has, like satan inside my mind always saying that

“you not good enough, you will not be in that stage, you are slow, you are crap, and who are you trying to make something? There nothing that you can do for the people.” And so on.

Yes. There is a moment when I feel nothing but terror, that so many thoughts swimming and floating around my head. All those skepticism, pessimism, unnecessary worries, and every negative thinking that haunts me.

Until I realized that all those dramas with myself, all those struggles that I’ve been through, is part of the process.

The process that will teach me. To make who really I am.

We can’t see the fruit while it’s still bean sprout, right?

I just wanna do this for the sake of Allah too, I'm afraid that I will die sooner but I don't really put my hard work enough to please him.

So I should stan with it. Bear with it.

writing on anything is kind of a process.

I'm challenging myself to write anything, even to write the wrong one

because that's the practice that makes me better. I don’t wanna doubt on anything as long as I put my hard work into it. It’s never about the result or that amount of number, is always about on process. That process will protect me. The process that gonna save me.

I owe to myself to make my life count.

Instead, go with the flow I would rather grow with the flow.

And  I'm just grateful for what I have now, every single thing that I really really really grateful for.

And let me remind myself about one ayat that probably often recite in our prayer because we know it since a child, here Al-Kausar (1)

(108:1) Indeed, We have granted you

I think I have more than enough to start everything that I want right now. I can be anything that I wanna be, right?

Yes. I admit it, I’m such bad in writing but I should stan it. There is must definitely flaws on my writing. Either it’s a typo, or the plot that it’s not even related. Pardon me, the mistakes it’s also part of the process.

But I beg you to slap me if someday you find I’m too lazy to write anything. Nor bring any benefit or even something spread out the negativity. Plz. Just slap right on my face. Ok.

Here what Rumi said,

“There is a candle in your heart, ready to be kindled.There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled. You feel it, don’t you?”

Something inside me extremely curious and starving, and somehow I know that something that I seek also seeking me.

Bangkok, Rainless December.