Why on earth I should hiding myself from my own true feeling

The anxious feeling, the every sambat that I should spill out of my soul rather to make it darker or worse.

I know some of you might think positive vibes only. But here's the deal, I was at the point that I’m sick of positively, wisely, cheerfully words. I was at the time that I already resist all kind of that things. Because of what, sometimes I need to rethink who I am. How can I see my imperfection that everything surround me trying to cover it up. That I was okay. But actually I’m not okay.

I was a mess. Like anybody does. I was miserable sometimes, in my quite individually place at my comfort room. I'm figuring out who am I too.

I was dying to sambat to anyone that alive and just heard me. And it just me or everybody, that I look not suit at anything. I should belong to somewhere, but there’s no place, no one that I could go.

I had stuff, the good one. But I just the same, this empty shell feeling still haunt me everywhere. I thought I miss my friends, I thought I need my me time, I thought I need my tea pot, or coffee (which I never liked), or bubble tea across the stree my dorm--that booming stress coping. I thought I need my escape plan.

But here I am, it's almost 2 a.m and my eyes still open widely. My mind still buzzing to everything but sleep.

I mean, I’m no longer teenage. In fact I almost twenty two in few month later. And I still about confuse everything. About myself, my environment, my thoughts.

I have so many goals, if you wonder. But my wonder is where do I need to start. What should I do first. So many thing that I should do. So many to do list. But why laying down all day doing nothing productive is more attracting the most.

we should fight it back, aren’t we?

Wise man said, that the biggest enemy is nobody but ourselves. And it was true. 100% agreed.

But in my loneliness I found myself more attractive, I can express anything that I want to express but at the same time I miss someone that I can share anything with. and writing it out help me. a bit.

Bangkok, November 2019.